#24 - Cincinnati Reds - Clean Shaven, but Messy Playin'

What you're looking at above is the cute logo of the short-lived Cincinnati Redlegs. From 1954 to 1960, the Reds were known by this longer name because in 1950's America, it wasn't exactly a cool thing to be known as "Red." However, once the "Red Scare" ended, the team once again became the Reds. As for the mascot, he resigned in shame after admitting to being the bastard father of Mr. Met.

Ironically, the Reds may now be best known for their strict grooming policy, which makes very specific requirements for proper uniform display and severely limits facial hair. The 2007 Reds would prefer that you focus instead on their improving ballclub. Realistically, a break to their streak of six consecutive losing seasons would be a step up. However, the Reds chances of hitting .500 are probably about as good as those of Ken Griffey Junior being injury-free (wait - he's hurt again? scratch that). Here's what you can expect from the 2007 Reds:

Biggest reason for hope: In the recent past, Reds starting pitching has been hit harder than a punter by Sean Taylor at the Pro Bowl. However, the Reds have two frontline starters, Aaron Harang and Bronson "Shaggy" Arroyo," locked up through 2010. They also may have the best pitching prospect in the minors in 20 year-old Homer Bailey, who may start the year in the Cincy rotation. There's a foundation for the future here. For Cincy fans who worry that their staff may get too good, however, don't worry - Eric Milton is still in the rotation. Thus, you'll still have plenty of opportunities to catch balls in the left field bleachers this season.

Biggest potential nightmare for Reds fans: Even though the Reds traded for approximately 42 relievers last year, the bullpen still was shaky. Now, the bullpen has few guarantees outside of David Weathers. Bill Bray? Great potential, but he has to show it. Todd Coffey? Ditto. Eddie Guardado? Hurt. Rheal Cormier and Mike Stanton? Didn't they pitch in the 70s?

Player to watch: Adam Dunn. So is this guy a superstar or not? He has tremendous power and a great eye, but he's stiull only a .245 hitter who's never knocked in more than 102 runs in a season. Oh, and he's averaged a whopping 170 strikeouts the last five seasons and and is to fielding range what Adam Sandler is to acting range. For the Reds have a shot this year, Dunn needs to be the man, as they can no longer count on the worn down Griffey (who I think just broke another bone while I wrote that last sentence).

Why do we still have to watch this player?: Kyle Lohse. The former cant-miss prospect missed. After 6 years of patience in Minnesota, the Twins finally grew tired of Lohse's whining and ineffectiveness. In his last three seasons in the Twin Cities, Lohse allowed 535 hits in only 430 innings. Now, he's probably in the Reds rotation. This means that Eric Milton and Lohse could be the Abbott and Costello of pitchers this year, only Reds fans won't see the humor.

Telling Statistic: In six seasons with Cincinnati, Ken Griffey Junior has averaged 92 games and 324 at bats per season. In those six seasons, he has suffered from three torn hamstrings, a torn knee tendon, a dislocated shoulder, a torn ankle tendon, and a broken bone in his hand, and numerous bouts of tendinitis. I suspect he may get hangnails more ferquently than the average person, too. Webster's, meet your new definition for the term "injury-prone."

Interesting fact signifying nothing: Cincinnati is MLB's oldest franchise, having started play in 1869 as the Cincinnati Red Stockings. In their first game, they defeated the Great Westerns of Cincinnati 45-9, thanks to 7 RBIs from then-rookie sensation Julio Franco.

Projected record & finish: 70-92, 5th place, NL Central

Prediction that won’t come true but should: Impressed by Ryan Freel's allegedly suave way of looking for a "disease-free" hookup during spring training via Craigslist, GM Wayne Krvisky posts a request on the site for middle relievers.

#25 - San Francisco Giants - Some Records Are Meant to Be Broken, Tarnished, Defiled

Barring injury, indictment, or an Old Testament-style act by a vengeful but just God (c'mon, locusts!), you're looking at the man who will be baseball's all-time home run king by the end of the season. There's no doubt that AT&T Park's turnstiles will be humming this summer as hearty Giants fans breathlessly watch the most joyless pursuit of a major sports record in American history. However, lost in the mess of what's his name's home run chase/grand jury investigation/Paula Abdul impression (which was mimicked by Barry Zito the other day - hide the kids), a simple yet overlooked fact remains - the Giants aren't a very good team. The Giants are an old, plodding collection of players in need of a youth invigoration that doesn't seem to be coming. Even in the eminently mediocre NL West, the Giants likely won't compete. It's strangely appropriate that the ultimate me-first player won't be subject to the pressure of a pennant race as he tries to reach his individual goal (he may, however, be subject to painful, swollen breasts). Here's what to expect from the Giants in 2007:

Biggest reason for hope: Zito, Matt Cain and Noah Lowry could eat up innings and form a "big three" that could be among the best in the National League. Or, if Lowry doesn't step up and Zito is a bust, the Giants 2007 motto could be "Cain surrounded by pain."

Biggest potential nightmare for Giants fans: Bonds suffers a major injury early in the season. In case you forgot, he is 42, his knees are shot, he had a painful elbow all of last season, and he's probably more prone to hamstring pulls and other miscellaneous muscle and joint issues, because, well, you know. On the other hand, his odds of suffering a testicle-related injury have shrunken significantly.

Players to watch: Zito and Armando Benitez. Zito's ludicrous 7-year, $126 million contract will not look as bad if he makes every start and takes advantage of the switch to the NL and to a pitchers' park. However, given his consistently decreasing walk-to-strikeout ratio and his lack of big game performances, there's a legitimate question as to whether he's a #1 starter. Plus, you have to question the wisdom of any player who specifically requests a locker next to Barry Bonds (prediction - Bonds will have smashed Zito's guitar to bits by the All-Star break). As for Benitez, the Giants desperately need him to be the solid back end of a shaky bullpen. However, given his recent history, I recommend that you pick an early date on the "when will Armando Benitez break down?" pool.

Why do we still have to watch this player?: Russ Ortiz. It's very rare for a player to be cut 16 months into a 4 year, $32 million contract. However, when your ERA over that period exceeds 7, the decision is easier than Paris Hilton after several mimosas. San Francisco is now taking a flyer on Arizona's disaster, hoping that a return to the Bay will reinvigorate Ortiz. However, given his girth and flat, slow "fastball," I wouldn't count on a new and improved Ortiz in 2007.

Telling Statistic: Bonds led the league with 41 intentional walks last year and holds 4 of the 5 top all-time totals for single season intentional walks (the most being a mind-boggling 120 in 2004). Manager Bruce Bochy hasn't yet settled on a regular lineup, but expects Randy Winn, Pedro Feliz or Bengie Molina to bat fifth behind Bonds. Not exactly Ruth, Gehrig, and Lazzeri, is it? Expect Bonds to get walked a lot again this year, unless Bonds starts sneaking Molina some flaxseed oil.

Interesting fact signifying nothing: The Giants have a reliever named Brian Wilson. God only knows if he'll amount to anything, but wouldn't it be nice if he brought some good vibrations to the Giants this year. However, given his career 5.40 ERA, I guess Wilson just wasn't made for these times.

Projected record & finish - 70-92, 5th Place, NL West

Prediction that won’t come true but should: Bonds hits his 755th homer, and soaks in his own sense of self-satisfaction as he jogs around the bases. he is so sucked into his achievement that he doesn't notice the FBI agents sprinting onto the field. He's arrested between third base and home plate, leading to the greatest perp walk ever. Also, by not crossing home, Hank Aaron still holds the all-time home run record. All is good and just in the world.

#26 - Baltimore Orioles - The Devil Wears Orange and Black

Behold the Dark Sith Lord of Charm City, Peter Angelos. In his 13 years as owner of the Orioles, the well-worn purveyor of evil has taken a proud franchise and knocked it on its keester. Angelos’s history of subverting his general managers, scapegoating his managers, and threatening frivolous litigation to get his way is well-known throughout baseball, and all too well by the long-suffering fans of Baltimore. Now, with nine straight losing campaigns, competition in DC, attendance at beautiful Camden Yards shrinking, and the daunting task of having to play in the AL East, the future still looks as dark as the circles under the Black-Souled One’s eyes. On the bright side for O’s fans, Angelos is 77, and Cal Skywalker awaits in the distance ready to re-instill the Oriole Way to this decayed franchise. But for 2007, here’s what you should expect from the Orioles:

Biggest reason for hope – Leo Mazzone is still the pitching coach with the guru reputation. Perhaps he can lead youngsters Erik Bedard, Daniel Cabrera and Adam Loewen to the promised land, and once again work wonders with Jaret Wright (who was 15-8, 3.28 in his one previous season with Mazzone in Atlanta). Add with the $42 million in middle relievers and young fireballer Chris Ray to close games out, and maybe you have the makings of a decent pitching staff. Maybe.

Biggest potential nightmare for O’s fans- Miguel Tejada, Brian Roberts, and Jay Gibbons magically lose their power stroke. Of course, I’m not suggesting anything here, but you may want to look with curiosity if Tejada passing around the B-12 after a series of slow starts.

Player to watch- Cabrera. There’s no middle ground with him. He either has electric stuff, or he’s all over the place and throwing at batters for sport. If he can harness the former, watch out. If he’s the latter, watch out (as in duck).

Why do we still have to watch this player? – Kevin Millar. As a Sox fan, I’ll always love Millar for his role in bringing a title to Boston. However, in his last 2 seasons he has a total of 24 homers and 114 RBI. He is perhaps the slowest non-catcher in the majors, and his defense is terrible (although in fairness, he plays many positions terribly). Just retire and join the Sox as a bench coach, Kevin. Trust me, you’ll always be a god in Beantown, and the clubhouse will still appreciate your fart jokes.

Telling Statistic – The Orioles were 4-14 versus Boston and 7-12 versus the Yankees in 2006. Good thing they play them only 37 more times in 2007.

Interesting fact signifying nothing –Melvin Mora is the father of 5 year-old quintuplets. When asked how he became so fertile, all Mora could come up with was the B-12 shot that Miguel Tejada gave him.

Projected record & finish – 66-96, 5th place, AL East

Prediction that won’t come true but should - Baltimore fans vote the Orioles Baltimore’s most depressing product, barely beating out The Wire.

#27 - Pittsburgh Pirates - Aaarrrgh, the Ship Still Be Taking on Water, Mateys!

Behold the pierogi race, a mid-game tradition in Pittsburgh. It's every bit as entertaining as Milwaukee's Sausage Rage and Washington's President's Race, and when one of your contestants is named Sauerkraut Saul, how can you go wrong? Sadly, this event has been the biggest game highlight for Pirates fans, as their team's play of late has been worse than drinking spoiled sauerkraut juice. The Pirates have compiled 14 straight losing seasons, and good money suggests that this year will be their quinsinetta of losing. It's enough to make Pirates fans want to boycott PNC Park, although I don't recommend that, as it is the best ballpark in baseball. Any serious baseball fan must come here at least once. Trust me, tickets are not hard to get. Here's what to expect from the Pirates in 2007:

Biggest reason for hope - There's lots of young starting pitching here that just drools with potential. Zach Duke, Ian Snell, Paul Maholm, Sean Burnett, John Van Betschoten, and Tim Gorzelanny all have the potential to be #1 or #2 starters. However, Duke and Snell have been inconsistent since making their big league debuts. As for the rest, we all know that predicting young starting pitching is like predicting the quality of the latest Woody Allen film - it's a crapshoot.

Biggest potential nightmare for Bucs fans- Rotator cuffs and Tommy John surgery. Burnett and Van Betschoten are already coming back from major surgery, and there's dread that one of the other youngsters could be next. Of course, dread and being a Pirates fan go hand-in-hand.

Player to watch- Chris Duffy. The center fielder of the future needs to be the leadoff man of the present. If he gets on base, he'll score a lot of runs with Freddy Sanchez, Jason Bay and Adam LaRoche behind him. If not, the offense could sputter more than Michael Irvin at a diction bee.

Why do we still have to watch this player? - Humberto Cota. In 6 seasons, Cota is a lifetime .232 hitter with a .277 OBP, and Pirates pitchers had a 6.05 ERA last year with him behind the plate. For this string of excellence, he'll have 10 more years in the majors. That's it - I'm raising my kid to be a punter or a backup catcher.

Telling Statistic - In 2006, the Pirates were last in runs scored, home runs, total bases, RBI, and slugging percentage, and OPS. On the bright side, Pittsburgh would have been in first in all of these categories if only the other 15 National League teams weren't counted.

Interesting fact signifying nothing - Last year, Freddy Sanchez became Pittsburgh's 25th batting champion, joining such greats as Honus Wagner, Ginger Beaumont, Arky Vaughn, and Debs Gams. In a related story, Freddy Sanchez is no longer insecure about his name.

Projected record & finish - 66-96, 6th Place, NL Central

Prediction that won’t come true but should - When the Giants play at Pittsburgh this year, Barry Bonds gets busted for cocaine possession. However, Bonds argues that the cocaine actually belonged to either Mark Sweeney or the Pittsburgh Parrot.

#28 - Seattle Mariners - A Whole Latte Trouble Brewing

Remember that glorious day back in 2000 when the Kingdome went the way of Steven Seagal's career (by the way, here's a fun site where you can blow up the Kingdome - tell me it's not addictive)? Having been to approximately 20 major league baseball stadiums, I can safely say that the Kingdome was the ugliest place I ever watched a baseball game (but in fairness, I haven't been to Tropicana Field or any of the nine circles of hell). Seattle fans may now be wishing that they could implode their roster. It's hard to believe that the 116-46 juggernaut was six short years ago. Now, the M's roster is uglier than the Kingdome's grey ceiling. All the Starbucks in the world wouldn't make this team watchable. Given the recent poor acquisitions by GM Bill Bavasi (Jose Guillen? Miguel Batista?? Jose Vidro???) and bad trades (Rafael Soriano for Horacio Ramirez???), it looks like it will get worse before it gets better. Here's what you need to know about the 2007 Mariners:

Biggest reason for hope- Felix Hernandez decided to stop taking offseason workout advice from David Wells, and lost 20 pounds. Will his newfound physique lead him to meet all of the Dwight Gooden comparisons? Just for the record, I'm referring to the 20-year old Gooden with the dominating fastball, and not the coked-out, wife-beating Gooden we've come to know since then.

Biggest potential nightmare for M's fans- Ichiro is a free agent at the end of the season. If the Mariners are non-competitive this year and he continues to have a Donald Trump/Rosie O'Donnell relationship with his manager, it's probable that this could be his last season in Seattle, thus causing triple tall soy extra foam lattes to be dropped everywhere in horror.

Player to watch- Jeff Weaver. Just who is this guy, anyway? Is he the guy that the Angels sold for almost nothing and who finished last year with an 8-14 record and 5.76 ERA? Or is he the talented guy who finally figured out and was an instrumental cog in helping the Cardinals win the World Series.

Why do we still have to watch this player? - Jose Vidro. At the beginning of the offseason, I saw this ad in the Washington Post: "Wanted - older singles hitter with bad knees to be DH. Not necessary to score or drive in runs." Make offers to Seattle Mariners." The Nationals took the M's up on this offer, and now the washed-up Vidro is Seattle's DH. On the bright side, he's not Carl Everett, who was Seattle's DH at the start of last year. So, while Vidro may be unproductive, at least he believes in dinosaurs (probably because he is one).

Telling statistic - Seattle ranked 13th in OBP and runs scored in the American League last year, only beating out the Devil Rays in both categories. So how do they try to improve their offense this year? By signing free-swingers Guillen and Vidro. Seattle may hit a lot of solo homers this year.

Interesting fact signifying nothing - Miguel Batista has recently published a murder mystery entitled The Avenger of Blood. Batista got the inspiration for the book after meeting Carl Everett.

Projected record & finish - 61-101, 4th place, AL West.

Prediction that won’t come true but should - The Mariner Moose becomes the first mascot to come out of the closet. While he is scorned by many mascots, he receives touching support from Mr. Met.

#29 - Kansas City Royals - Actually, They're More Like Serfs

Sadly, this guy may be the team's #3 starter by May...

The Royals are sick of being pitied for their small-market status, you hear me? So, they've decided to play with the big boys. Last year, they signed a few serviceable veterans, which turned a 105-loss team into a 100-loss team, thus earning their third straight 100-loss season. But this time, new GM Dayton Moore promised something different. Given that the Royals play in the toughest division in baseball, the only way to compete was to look long-term. Moore, who practiced at the knee of John Scheurholz in Atlanta, promised to rebuild the team through minor league development, just as the 1990's Braves did. So how did he follow up on that promise? By giving a 5-year, $55 million contract to Gil Meche, an underachieving starter with no 200-inning seasons, a lifetime 4.65 ERA, and a history of rotator cuff problems.

(If you just heard a sound, that was a Royals fan throwing a random object against their wall).

Yes, the Royals are showing the kind of wisdom that sunk them into permanent AL Central cellar-dweller status. So is there hope in Kansas City this year? Well, if you look hard enough, I guess so, but if I look hard enough, I may be able to convince myself that Kathy Bates looks like Scarlett Johanssen. Here's what you need to know about the 2007 Royals:

Biggest reason for hope - A great influx of youth is coming, with Alex Gordon, Billy Butler, and Luke Hochevar prepared to make contributions soon. Of course, this being the Royals, they'll give them a few good years and then bolt in free agency, especially since the team has tied up 20% of its payroll in Gil Meche.

Biggest potential nightmare for Royals fans- Reliving the same nightmare from last season before that, and the season before... Oh, that and the fact that their "big 3" are Meche, Odalis Perez, and Luke Hudson.

Player to watch - Alex Gordon, third baseman. Two years ago, he was the third baseman at the University of Nebraska. Last year, in his first full minor league season, all he did was win Baseball America's Minor League Player of the Year. No, he's expected to get the starting third baseman's job in KC, and just for good measure he's getting tutored by George Brett. So, you know Alex, no pressure. Actually, since you play for Kansas City, there actually may be no pressure.

Why do we still have to watch this player? Reggie Sanders is now with his eighth team and has been a quality outfielder for 16 seasons. He's played in four World Series and is known to be a valuable contributor and all-around good guy. So why is he playing for a 100-loss team? Why would the Royals potentially block the path of a young outfielder with Gramps Sanders? Your guess is as good as mine. Oh no, the answer just came to me - these are the Royals.

Telling statistic - This is manager Buddy Bell's third managerial job and ninth season as a manager. In his career, he has one winning record (a stellar 82-80 with the 2002 Rockies) and has a lifetime winning percentage of .416. I guess the next question should be how he must have gotten those compromising photos of Bud Selig?

Interesting fact signifying nothing - Former prospect extraordinaire Zach Greinke missed most of last season with what was eventually diagnosed as social anxiety disorder. However, he has resumed pitching because given that he's a Royal, the doctors no longer fear that he will have to pitch in front of large crowds.

Projected record & finish - 59-103, 5th place, AL Central.

Prediction that won’t come true but should - Gil Meche uses $55 million contract to buy the Royals, and immediately trades himself to cut payroll.

#30 - Washington Nationals - Team's Play Will Be a Capitol Crime

Yep, that’s Jim Bowden, pudgy wheeler-dealer extraordinaire. Somehow, he managed to keep his job despite the Nationals’ ownership change, and has officially replaced Don Rumsfeld as the Washingtonian who has kept his job the longest despite obvious incompetence.

Other than Bowden, there’s a lot new in DC this year – new owners, a new manager (someone woke Grandpa Frank up long enough to tell him he was no longer needed), and a revamped roster short on talent. Everything is gearing towards the opening of the new stadium in 2008, so not much money has been invested in the 2007 product. Let me rephrase that – I’ve seen yard sales where people spend more than the Nationals will on their 2007 club. Let’s face it – this is in essence an expansion team, and the results will reflect that. Here’s what you need to know about the Nats in ’07.

Biggest reason for hope – New park in ’08, a plan for the future with key core players signed long-term. What, you want hope for ’07? Hmm, how about 81 quality President’s Races?

Biggest potential nightmare for Nats fans- Their projected 2007 rotation won a total of 10 games last season. On the bright side, they have 36 pitchers in camp, so if one of them fails, there’ll be mass quantities of mediocrity waiting to take the mound.

Player to watch- Ryan Zimmerman. In his first full season, he hit 20 homers, knocked in 110 runs, and played Gold Glove-caliber defense. He’s the most exciting 22-year old to come along since Robert Zimmerman. If you don’t know who Robert Zimmerman is, well then it’s all over now, baby blue.

Player to look away from– Christian Guzman, perhaps DC’s biggest bust that’s not made of marble. His 2 years in Washington have been marked by one of the worst full offensive seasons in recent memory (.219 BA, .260 OBP, 39 runs, 31 RBI), and he missed all of 2006 with an injury. All for a cool $13 million. Even the Pentagon doesn’t spend that much on a dud. Honorable mentions to Tony Womack, Travis Lee, Tony Batista, and about 6-9 pitchers, depending on who makes the team. Yep, these are your 2007 Nationals!

Telling statistic – Did we mention the 10 total victories from their rotation last year?

Interesting fact signifying nothing – Nook Logan’s full name is Exavier Prente Logan. He was nicknamed “Nook” after a pacifier. Yeah, that’s a nickname I’d want to take into adulthood.

Projected record & finish- 56-106, 5th in NL East

Prediction that won’t come true but should – Jim Bowden brings his son to Take Your Kid to Work Day, then proceeds to trade him to the Mets for Omar Minaya’s son and a child to be named later.

Everything you need to know about the 2007 season, in easy-to-digest portions!

Yes folks, spring training is in full swing, and every team believes that it can go all the way. Of course, we'll eventually find out that 29 of the 30 teams were just plain wrong. But who will go all the way? Over the next month, I'll be doing a short preview of all 30 teams, from worst to first. Who will be this year's Tigers? Who will be this year's Royals (will it be the Royals again)? What size pants will David Wells wear this year? Glad you asked. So who's #30? Well, let's kick this off and find out.

Surveying the buffet ...

There have been some interesting tidbits over the fast few days that do not involve Britney Spears's audition for the "Kojak" movie. Here they are, in no particular order:

- News flash - A-Rod admits that his relationship with Derek Jeter isn't as strong as it once was! In a related story, the Pope remains committed to Catholicism. There's a lot I could mock here, but I leave it to DJ Gallo, who has written a wonderful article on the history of Jeter's and A-Rod's "sleepovers." I wish that I were as funny as DJ Gallo, and as hip, and young ... wow, it appears that I have a man crush.

Examining the Sox and Yanks right now, I feel like I'm in a bizarro world. In Yankeeland, Bernie Williams is insulted, Mariano Rivera is unhappy, the future owner is being pulled over for DUI, and now we have the latest pillow fight between the Captain and Commander Purple Lips. Meanwhile, the Red Sox camp starts without a peep, except for the annual Manny "drama," which is being treated with a collective yawn by the team. I'm not used to rooting for the placid team! Perhaps Schilling can start a controversy over his contract or by making some crazy political comment ("If Hillary wins in '08, both Yankee fans and terrorists win!")

-In major uniform news, MLB has announced that the are abandoning wool caps in favor of a new synthetic polyester blend. Apparently, the new caps breathe better and won't shrink. When asked for his comment, A-Rod supported the change, noting that he always prefers an artificial product to one that once came from a living creature. However, he predicted that he would receive no new benefit from the cap, as he is not programmed to sweat.

-The Pirates brought in a motivational speaker to start their camp - Dick Vitale. Vitale noted that the Pirates have a bunch of PTPers and diaper dandies, and that with a solid start they could end up as high as fifth in the ACC. Vitale also said that he hoped for more this year from the Pirates, as he's had to watch their poor performance the past few years with one eye shut (and just for the record, it isn't the socket with the glass eye that was shut).

-The Nationals signed Ronnie Belliard, and he is expected to back up Felipe Lopez and Christian "a singles hitter without the singles" Guzman. Belliard, a quality albeit pudgy infielder, may have remained unsigned for so long because of some ugly personal business. At the end of last season, Belliard was allegedly the victim of an extortion scheme by a man who demanded $150,000 or he would publicize Belliard's extramarital affair with the man's daughter. The Nationals failed to comment on this matter, but Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Bob Livingston, Bob Dole, Chuck Robb, Dan Burton, and Gary Condit all sent congratulatory notes to Belliard, and predicted he'd be a great fit in Washington.

-The Devil has arrived in San Francisco. It's a good thing those caps won't be shrinking this year. The Giants' credibility, on the other hand...

If only he had slapped the judge...

This week, the grand butt-sniffing fest known as the Westminster Dog Show was held in New York City. After much excitement, an English springer spaniel named Diamond Jim earned a hard-licked victory. He barely beat out "Harry," owned by Bill Cosby. My guess is that Harry lost points for the hideous 80's sweater that he was wearing (thanks, Cos).

However, well back of the leaders was the great disappointment of the show. Truly gifted, graceful, and almost perfect, this dog could not come through once the intense competition started. In fact, he looked downright timid under the lights, and thus a full season's worth of work was forgotten once he was stymied in the big competition. As you can see, this pooch was quite upset by his showing:


Oh well, there's always next year, A-Dog (although you may want to try competing in a city other than New York).

Kerry Wood - the logical heir to Mrs. Fletcher

From the weird yet predictable file - Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood will miss four or five days after falling out of a hot tub. This is appropriate for the oft-injured Wood, who has been knocked down more than Chumbawumba. I've been lucky enough to get a photo of Wood immediately after the incident:



Yeah, he's aged a bit. Wood's injury is probably a good metaphor for what to expect from the Cubbies in 2007.

Look, as a Red Sox fan, I root for the Cubs to end their “curse” (which, in reality, is not a curse but a sustained record of futility due to poor management, inferior players, and certain fans who don't know where the foul line is). With the Red Sox and White Sox now having won titles, I feel badly for the Cubs are now an orphan of futility. That much said, I’m marveling at how people expect the Cubs to improve significantly this year from last year’s 96-loss debacle. True, the Cubs threw around more money this offseason than Mark Foley at a Tiger Beat convention. However, just because they spent money doesn't mean that they did so wisely. In reality, the Cubs are closer to a 96-loss team than a division champ.

First, the good news - Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez will be back for full seasons after injury. Plus, there's $300 million worth of shiny new free agents to oooh and aaah at, and the manager with a proven record of success. But let's look deeper, shall we? The lineup has some impressive cogs (Lee, Ramirez, Alfonso Soriano). However, unless Felix Pie cracks the opening day lineup, there are no table setters in the 1 and 2 holes. In all likelihood, they'll be forced to lead off Soriano, which is not where he should be because he's a producer and not a table-setter (as his lifetime .325 OBP will attest to), and is better utilized down in the lineup.

Now, the (really) bad - this team will have a defense like a company softball team after 3 beers. Other than Lee and Cesar Izturis, the defense is incredibly subpar. The outfield may be historically bad. For now, the plan is to play Soriano in center field, a position he's never played before, with stone-legged Matt Murton and baby-armed Jacque Jones flanking him on either side. I give credit to Soriano for trying to play left field last year in Washington. However, the key word is "try." Soriano practically needs a seeing eye dog in the outfield, and asking him to patrol center in Wrigley with so many blinding sun matinees would have been like like asking Harry Caray to drink O'Douls - it's a square peg in a round hole.

Of course, the outfield D may not matter if the pitching staff lets batted balls go over those ivy-covered walls. Carlos Zambrano is, of course, a stud, but what follows him? Ted Lilly? Hey, let's spend $10 million a year for a pitcher who has control issues and gives up too many homers to righties and put him in a homer-friendly park! Jason Marquis? ERA over 6 last year - let's give him $21 million! Rich Hill/Sean Marshall? Not yet proven. Mark Prior? Ah yes, the prodigal son. The odds of him being healthy for a full season are slightly better than that of Tim Hardaway attending a GLAAD meeting. Now, Wood gets hurt - again.

So, the possibility exists that the Cubs may not be that good. But they can recover via good managing, right? Um, don't hold your breath. Any manager would have a hard time overcoming shaky pitching and porous defense, and Sweet Lou is no different. If anything, Piniella's noted temper may alienate his veteran-laden club once the errors start kicking in (as opposed to his most recent stint in Tampa, where the young players were simply scared of him). Carry some Old Style in the dugout, Lou - you may need it, or you'll end up looking like this by May 1.

I do hope that the folks in Wrigleyville have an enjoyable season, and I hope that they can reverse all of the bad karma emanating from their goat-stained world. Going to Wrigley is still one of the greatest sporting experiences a true sports fan can ever find, and I hope that they can take solace in that. The Cubs did make a concerted effort to get better in the offseason, but their big splash may in the end be a thud. In their attempt to get to the promised land, something tells me that the Cubs will slip and fall right out of the gate like Kerry Wood out of a hot tub.

And now let us focus on who SHOULD be going to prison...

Now that we've survived the annual refilling of the Hallmark Corporation's coffers, it's time to get back to some less-than-loving issues. In a story that just isn't getting enough publicity today, the BALCO leaker has been unmasked! Attorney Troy Ellerman has agreed to plead guilty to leaking secret grand jury testimony to San Francisco Chronicle reporters Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada. Williams and Fainaru-Wada used the testimony as the backbone to their engrossing book Game of Shadows, which as most of the world now knows is a devastating report on BALCO, Victor Conte, and how Barry Bonds developed that huge noggin, backne, and (we can only presume, as I don't want first-hand knowledge) testicles the size of lima beans.

As part of Ellerman's plea deal, federal prosecutors will no longer attempt to put Williams and Fainaru-Wada in prison for contempt for refusing to disclose their source who leaked the testimony, thus avoiding the ironic situation where Barry Bonds would be free while the reporters who disclosed his transgressions would go to jail for their disclosures. As an attorney, I'm torn on this issue. On one hand, I appreciate the sanctity of grand jury testimony. Grand jury witnesses are promised that the testimony will be secret, and thus leaking their testimony is a fundamental breach of trust that could impede a criminal investigation.

However, I also appreciate the public good that has come from these leaks (the Pentagon Papers, anyone?), and I fear that prosecution of every reporter who refuses to disclose a confidential source will lead to a chilling effect on the press's ability to report important stories. In the past, reporters only went to jail when national security was at stake, but under this Department of Justice regime, the scope of cases where they will ask for contempt proceedings has expanded significantly. We've already seen the negative consequences, such as the Cleveland Plain-Dealer refusing to publish stories on local corruption scandals because some of the information was based on grand jury testimony. This type of withholdding stories in the public interest combined with the string of reporters being dragged into the Scooter Libby trial gives me great pause and makes me wonder how much we are chipping away at a free and independent press.

Oh wait, but this blog is about baseball! So, to hell with the legal arguments. Hopefully now that this messiness is behind us, we can focus on what's important, namely nailing Bonds's you-know-what to the wall. Unfortunately, Bonds finalized his one-year deal with the Giants today, and MLB has approved the deal. At this time, it's unclear whether the Giants can terminate the deal in the event that Bonds is indicted, convicted, or if syringes start popping out of his navel. Hopefully the special grand jury investigating the matter will make a determination soon. However, they may not be able to do so without Greg Anderson, who lies in prison for contempt while Bonds presumably sends him non-stuttering love letters on a daily basis. Greg, please come forward and tell the truth. Otherwise, come about July, the image of the all-time home run champ will change from this:


to this:



Ball's in your court, Greg. Straight up now tell me, are you gonna do the right thing?

It's ON!

It's that time of year again when the hair on the back of your neck tingles just a little bit more (note to self: time to trim neck hair). Spring training is upon us. The Nationals and Yankees have pitchers and catchers reporting today, with the rest of MLB's 30 finest to follow in the next few days. Some Japanese pitcher reported to Red Sox camp today (hadn't heard about it - he's really been under the radar!). And of course, who could forget the epic event that is Red Sox moving van day!


By the way, kudos to the Sox marketing staff for finding yet another revenue stream - the van is sponsored by CVS! That reminds me, I need some generic CVS pain reliever after my attempts to get Fenway tickets. Given the amount of white space, though, I expect more ads next year. Make this thing look like a NASCAR truck, Larry Lucchino!

In the coming weeks, we have many interesting spring training subplots to look forward to, including:

1) Will Satan be allowed to stalk the Bay Area in a size 10-cap, causing destruction and despair wherever he treads?

2) Will the pressure of spring training be too much for A-Rod?

3) Will the Cubs throw $50 million at Steve Finley, Bernie Williams, or a random guy on the street just for the hell of it?

4) Will the buffets in Peoria survive 6 weeks of David Wells?

5) Will the Mets find a quality starter who doesn't qualify for AARP?

6) Free from New York, will Randy Johnson's return to the Samson-like mullet lead the Diamondbacks to believe that they can win in 2007?

7) Will Sammy Sosa be able to hit the ball on the fly into the outfield?

8) Will anyone notice that the Devil Rays exist?

9) Will Jim Leyland conduct pitcher fielding drills at gunpoint?

10) Will Roger Clemens take the lead role in the Houston Shakespeare Company's production of "Hamlet?"

10) And who'll win the World Series? I'll give my opinion in March when I do quick reviews of all 30 teams in 30 days. They'll be short, but they'll be all you need to know. So have faith, fans, your team still can win this year (um, except for the Royals - I think they've already been mathematically eliminated).

Who's on first? Why not Bernie?

It appears that the Bernie Williams/New York Yankees marriage has gone the way of Larry King and his first seven wives. Bernie appears to have rejected the Yankees offer of a minor-league contract and an invite to spring training. While it's not official, consider the following quotes:

"I think if they wanted me, they probably would have signed me already." - Bernie

"Obviously, if we start camp and he's not with us, that's it." - Brian Cashman

So, it's pretty much over. The general feeling that I get from the media is that the Yankees are right to cut the cord with Mr. Williams. Let's face it, Bernie is 38 and in decline. He can't play center field anymore, his speed is gone, and he's probably better with a guitar than with a bat at this stage of his life. Because the Yankees plan on carrying 12 pitchers, they can keep only four outfielders and young Melky "My First Name Got Me Beat Up Regularly as a Child" Cabrera is worthy of that position. Also, the Yankees have finally realized that Jason Giambi's best defensive position is admiring his tattoos while his butt is attached to the pine, and thus the Yanks don't need a DH. So, this should be it for Bernie, right? He can go gracefully into the night and come back to raucous and loving crowds on old-timers day at Yankee Stadium. This is the way it is meant to be, right?

Well, maybe it doesn't have to be. Playing for one team your entire career is an increasingly rare thing these days, and it's even more rare to have a player with four rings leave his team on a sour note. As a die-hard Red Sox fan who has seen many of his favorite players shipped away since the 2004 World Series (Trot, my shrine to you is coming along), my feeling is that you should make an extra effort to keep the team's glue players together, especially if the alternative to the player isn't markedly better. Bernie Williams is a glue guy. The Yanks should try to keep him, but they don't have room for him, right?

Wrong. With Giambi moving to DH-on-HGH full-time, the Yanks plan on platooning Doug Mientkiewicz and either Andy Phillips or Josh Phelps at first base. Mientkiewicz will play against righties, where he won't hit much but will save A-Rod 8-10 errors per year (correlating to about 5-7 fewer A-Rod emotional meltdowns and "true Yankee" questions). Phelps or Phillips will play against lefties. Last I checked, neither Phelps nor Phillips were the second coming of Lou Gehrig. Phelps missed all of 2006 and has bounced around to four teams in the last four years, and is known as DH-type who is a poor defensive first baseman. As for Phillips, he's a 29-year old "prospect" who has absolutely no history of hitting lefties, despite the fact that he's right-handed. So is there an alternative to these two underwhelming alternatives? Yep, Mr. Cashman, he's the guy that you're kicking to the curb.

Here's the thing - Bernie is pretty limited these days, but can still hit lefties. Here are the batting averages and OPS's last year of the three guys in question versus lefties.

Williams - .323/.926
Phillips - .195/.476
Phelps - .217/.620 (2005)

That's pretty striking Are you telling me that Bernie couldn't strap on a first baseman's mitt and at least be reasonably competent by Opening Day (certainly as good as the Giambino)? He's always been sure-handed, and has made more than 5 errors in a season only once in his career. There's a history of guys moving to first base late in their career so that their bat can still get in the lineup while their defensive shortcomings are minimized (Ernie Banks comes to mind). Heck, just last year the Yankees tried Gary Sheffield at first base. Couldn't they try the same with Bernie? Plus, you get a decent pinch-hitter on the days when he's on the bench (and a switch-hitter, unlike Phelps or Phillips) and the continued maintenance of the "Yankee mystique" in the deal, instead of a PR disaster. Why NOT do this? Of course, Bernie may have no interest in first base, which is his right. But shouldn't the Yankees at least ask?

Several years ago, Bernie turned down a serious offer from the Red Sox to re-sign with the Yankees (leading Boston to try the Carl Everett experience, which will hopefully soon be erased from my brain). At the time, I was disappointed that the Sox didn't get Bernie, but over time I realized that he was meant to be in New York. Brian Cashman should realize that, too. It's your call, Mr. Cashman. I'm sure there's a first baseman's mitt lying around somewhere...

Separated at birth?

But seriously, good for Bronson Arroyo, who received a 2-year, $25 million extension from the Reds today. He's a durable, reliable starter who'll give you 200+ innings. Plus, considering that last year at this time he signed for considerably less than market value to stay in Boston only to see the Sox trade him a few months later, he earned a right to even things out. Plus, get a look at his dreamy new locks. If anyone thinks that this isn't a step up, remember some of his old looks?




Yeah, he's improved.

A-Rod Finds a Demographic He Hasn't Yet Alienated, Proceeds to Alienate Them

You've probably heard it by now, but A-Rod has released a children's book. Entitled "Out of the Ballpark," the story is about - well, I'll let the Daily News describe it:

(a) boy - appropriately named Alex - whose baseball team is playing in the
playoffs. Alex, who is a second baseman, makes a key error in the game and
begins to put extra pressure on himself. Only his play gets worse.

I think I've heard that storyline before, only a slappy hand, a crucial double play, and/or being dropped to 8th in the order were involved. Anyway, A-Rod had an interesting day promoting his book yesterday. It included:

a) cancelling an appearance on the "Today" show because NBC would not agree to limit the types of questions that Matt Lauer could ask (he must have objected to the difficult subject of hair frosting);

b) hamming it up with Regis and Kelly. I think the transcript went something like this:

Kelly: Omigod, I love you so, much, Alex! (sound of rocks rolling around in head)

A-Rod: Excuse me while I go to pre-programmed response #17, humanoid - Thank you, Kelly. I tremendously respect your abilities and intellect. You are a credit to your profession.

Regis: Oatmeal!

c) going on CNN (presumably, they agreed to limit questions to books, puppies, sunshine, and his ability to hit 3-run homers in 9-1 games);

d) hanging with Martha Stewart (I'm sure that they compared cranial microchips); and

e) relieving his bowels at a book signing. Don't believe me? You tell me what he's doing:

I think he was thinking about the Detroit series at the moment the picture was snapped. A reporter who tried to interview him at the event was accosted by a NYPD officer. I'm sure that went over big with the kids.

I really want to move on to something else, but damn, you make it so easy, A-Rod.

the undisputed king of ACCK...

In case anyone hasn't seen this morning's papers, the Colts are Super Bowl champions. Thus, Peyton Manning has finally won the "big one" (with great help from Dominic Rhodes, Joseph Addai, and of course Rex Grossman, who is currently in an undisclosed location). Truth be told, it was a boring game, with the most exciting parts being (1) Devin Hester's return of the opening kickoff for a TD, and (2) Prince's entertaining halftime show, which thankfully did not include assless chaps. Although I want to be snarky about Peyton's big win, I really can't be. He earned my respect with the 18-point comeback in the AFC title game against my beloved Pats. I now sit and brace myself for the onslaught of Peyton Manning ads for Sony, Lays, Dentyne, Cadillac, DirecTV, Calvin Klein, and Mido ... oh wait, I can't make that joke anymore. Damn.

Before Sunday, there was a pretty good debate as to which athlete held the mantle of "best player never to win a championship/player who sweats profusely when the word "playoffs" is mentioned, even in casual conversation." However, with the Colts victory, there is now no doubt who holds this prestigious title. All hail the new undisputed king of choking:

When contacted, A-Rod's wife said that her husband wasn't available for comment, although it should be noted that a faint whimpering was heard in the background, and at one point an unidentified voice yelled "why won't Derek like me?" It should be a fun 2007 in the Bronx.

Top 10 Provisions Rejected by MLB in the Barry Bonds Contract

10) Weekly testicle measurements.

9) Must reduce his man-breasts to a B-cup.

8) Creation of a new XXXL wool cap to fit Bonds’s head that doubles as a poncho for his teammates.

7) Allows Bonds's Giants teammates to respond to him with, “yes, you did f%$*&n stutter – you might want to consider a speech therapist.”

6) Upon his release from prison, Greg Anderson to receive 72 virgins for his martyrdom.

5) Bonds no longer allowed to have personal trainers, doctors, lawyers, H&R Block representatives, mistresses, motivational speakers, or Kim Jong-Il in the clubhouse.

4) Gets to eat Barbaro, so he can ingest both the horse’s popularity and any precious Equopoise or other anabolic steroids that may have been in its bloodstream.

3) If Bonds is convicted of any crime, Mark Sweeney will serve the sentence.

2) Upon hitting his 756th home run, Giants would get to throw Bonds in the San Francisco Bay with concrete boots.

1) Every time Bonds hits a homer, a devil would get his horns.