Hello, I'm Billy Beane. In addition to being disarmingly handsome, I also serve as GM of the Oakland A's. Perhaps you've heard of my work? Read Moneyball? Seen my website, www.smugbastard.com? Seen Joe Morgan froth at the mouth at the mention of my name? As you know, I find underappreciated talent and mold it into playoff material at a reasonable price.
The manager? I'm working on eliminating the position altogether, but for now it remains technically necessary. I fired Ken Macha after last season even though he led our team to its first ALCS since 1990 despite an inconsistent offense and a shaky bullpen. How did we get there? Because I recruited a great defensive team! Jackass thought he could get MY glory. I don't even remember the new manager's name - I think I found him at an Amway meeting. Anyway, it's MY team, and I WILL get the credit for it. Did I mention my good looks?
Now I face my biggest task yet. In the offseason, we let our best pitcher (Barry Zito) and our sole productive hitter (Frank Thomas) walk away. So how do we replace them? Well, that's for me to know and for you to find out. Just watch me work my genius again this year. I expect to see you in October, at which point you will praise my abilities thusly. However, once the playoffs start, any Oakland failures are not my fault. Random luck is the reason for my team's playoff failures, not my inability to get a team that's built for the playoffs. Do not question my genius. I'm Billy Beane, bitch. Here's what to expect from the A's this season:
Biggest reason for hope: The A's always seem to win even on a shoestring budget. Even absent Zito, they have a solid starting staff led by Rich Harden, Dan Haren, and several veteran players poised for comeback years, most notably Eric Chavez. At the All-Star break, they assess their needs, make a few deals, and go 50-20 down the stretch. It seems to work this way almost every year.
Biggest potential nightmare: The offense sputters like Sergio Garcia on a putting green. Chavez's struggles continue despite his return to health. Mark Ellis proves that 2005 was a career year. Dan Johnson proves that prospects can fail. Milton Bradley morphs into Carl Everett, in both girth and demeanor. Mike Piazza fails to match Thomas's production. Beane gives up and trades for prospects in July.
Player to watch: Harden. He may be the best "what if" pitcher in baseball not named Wood or Prior. If healthy, he may be the best pitcher in the AL not named Santana, and he could easily take the ace role that Zito abdicated. However, he has only stayed healthy for one complete season, and he's never thrown 200 innings. For the A's to be successful, they need Harden like Milton Bradley needs a Valium.
Why do we still have to watch this player?: Antonio Perez. Lat year, Perez hit .102. with a .185 OBP. and a .204 slugging. and struck out in 45% of his at bats. Yes, that's very bad grammar, but each failure deserved its own sentence fragment.
Telling statistic: The A's made the ALCS in 2006 despite ranking 7th in the AL in OBP and 13th in slugging percentage.
Two interesting facts signifying nothing: The A's are planning on building a new baseball-only stadium in Fremont, CA, and may rename the team either the "Fremont A's" or the "Silicon Valley A's." I've never heard of Fremont, but after doing some research, I've come to find that it has the largest Afghan-American population in the U.S. I'm glad to see that the U.S. is finally giving Afghans the support that the need (sorry about that whole failure to eliminate the Taliban in Afghanistan thing due to allocating our troops to another war - our bad).
Additionally, I attended a game in Oakland last year, and made a fascinating discovery. To the best of my knowledge the A's are the only team that has a Black Panther Tofu Burger food stand. I enjoyed my tofu burger - it was the best food that I ever had that I can say for sure wasn't made by The Man.
Projected record & finish: 87-75, 2nd place, AL West
Prediction that won’t come true but should: In trying to predict proven performance, Beane drafts only players who have retired from the major leagues.
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