Hats of the AL East

Well, it’s been awhile. Too long, in fact. Real life is a bitch, especially when your wife has a complicated pregnancy and you have a new job. But I digress. As the dust settles down, we need to address a very serious subject, one that is at the very core of baseball. The joyless march of Bonds? The surging Cubs? The fading Steinbrenner? No. I’m referring to something much more important – hats.

Let’s face it – baseball caps are a staple of American life. You can’t walk down any semi-crowded street corridor without seeing at least one. Of course, one should always have the hat of their favorite team. But is it OK to have another team’s hat? Sure, in this case a polygamous hat relationship is OK, within limits (Sox fans, no Yankees hats and vice versa). But what are the great hats and what are the retina-burning ones? Glad you (sort of) asked. Allow me to present a short review of every team’s official head coverings. By the way, these are official caps ONLY. Nothing unstructured, retro, alternate colored, "fashion," and for the love of God, NO PINK HATS. These are just the hats that the actual teams wear on the field for games. We'll start with the AL East, which has some of the greatest disparities between good, and Cheneyesque...


BALTIMORE ORIOLES

HOME CAP


The ornithological Oriole is a step up from ol’ happy, chunky Oriole. It’s a classy look for a team that once had class (yep, I’m talkin’ to you, Angelos!). I also give it a thumbs up because it allows me to use the word “ornithological” in a sentence.

Grade: B+

ROAD CAP

Same look, only with an all-black look rather than an orange brim. Personally, I like the all-black look better. It adds to the class factor, and reminds me of Angelos’s heart. I'd wear it with as much pride as an Oriole fan could have these days.

Grade: A-

ALTERNATE

“O” no! As classy as the other O’s caps are, this one is just silly. The cursive "O" looks odd. But hey, it’s a great use of the apostrophe. I'd wear it if the only alternative was a sunburn.

Grade: D

BOSTON RED SOX

Simple but classy. The size of the "B" is perfectly proportioned for the hat, and the "B" has an interesting shape that's not too simple but doesn't overpower. It's also red, white, and blue. Basically, if you hate this cap, you hate America.

Grade: A

NEW YORK YANKEES
Again, a great cap that's simple but still interesting enough to look at repeatedly. Kudos to the Yankees for not changing their hat for 80 years, and for resisting the temptation to create alternate caps that would sell like crazy. The only downside that there is to wearing a Yankees cap is that it sucks a little bit more of your soul out with each fitting. But besides that, hey, it's great.

Grade: A

TORONTO BLUE JAYS

HOME CAP

I never realized that Blue Jays were so aerodynamic! This cap proves that newer isn't nevcessarily better. The Jays redid their caps a few years back, removing the maple leaf, adding a "J," and going from a predominantly blue cap to a black cap. The result is a futuristic-looking mess in which the metallic blue looks out of place with the black and silver. If they had worn baseball caps in "Blade Runner," these would have been the ones.

Grade: C-

ALTERNATE

Same as above, only it loses more points for taking the blue jay off of the hat. This is the equivalent of McDonalds removing the Golden Arches from the front of its restaurants.

Grade: D+

TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS

HOME CAP

Good ... God. Let's take the "Linda Blair Pea Soup Vomit" shade of green, add boring lettering and an ugly mascot, throw it all together, and voila! This style is why you don't see many Tampa Bay hats around. Well, that and the team is more pathetic than Jose Canseco...

Grade: D- (but only because these late 90's specials were even worse)

ROAD Basically, it's the same hat, only it's black instead of that hideous green. So, it gets a slightly better grade, albeit not much better.

Grade: D+

ALTERNATE

Hey kids - let's take the top of the road cap, the brim of the home cap, and call it an alternate cap! That's sure to boost sales! If they're not going to try, neither am I. So, let's split the difference of the two grades above.

Grade: D

#5 - Boston Red Sox - Konichiwa!!!

As anyone who's ever read this blog, met me, or stood within 20 feet of me knows, I'm a die-hard Bosox fan. So, because I'll be writing about the Sox disproportionally this season, I'll keep this review to an absolute minimum. God knows that the Sox are covered ad nauseum anyway, so you know the basics about the team:

1) Manny Ramirez is certifiably crazy and is just about capable of anything, but he'll hit 35 homers and knock in 120 runs. Seriously, at this point he could take left field in only a loin cloth and fuzzy slippers, and no one would be surprised.
2) Curt Schilling talks too much, but Dan Shaughnessy's attacks on him are ridiculous. 38 Pitches is actually a very insightful blog for anyone who wants to learn more about all things baseball. Shaughnessy is still bitter at Schilling for ending the so-called "Curse of the Bambino," which is a term that he popularized, and in turn made him a lot of money.
3) The Sox and Yanks will still be bitter rivals this year, and that rivalry will still be fun to Sox and Yanks fans. As for fans of the other 28 teams...
4) So there's this new Japanese pitcher on the roster - that's right - Hideki Okajima! Oh, there may be this other guy - Dice something.
5) The Sox will be in the playoff hunt this year. How far do they go? Good question. Here's what to expect from the Sox this year:

Biggest reason for hope: Even without closer-turned-starter-turned-closer Jonathan Papelbon, the starting rotation of Schilling, Josh Beckett, Dice-K, and Tim Wakefield may be the best in baseball. For now, Julian "America's Top Model" Tavarez holds down the fifth spot, but in all likelihood will be replaced eventually by Jon Lester (the cancer survivor is the feel good story of spring training), or perhaps by the Indecisive One, who currently sits in his Katy, Texas compound counting money and making Hamlet look like George W. Bush. The team's OPS has slipped every year since 2004, but as long as Big Papi and Manny bat 3-4, you have a good foundation. Newly acquired Julio Lugo should provide stability at the top of the lineup since the fallen Jesus left town, and J.D. Drew should thrive in the #5 slot so long as he hasn't broken his femur by the time this entry is posted.

Biggest potential nightmare: Even with closer-turned-starter-turned-closer Papelbon, the bullpen is still shakier than Alberto Gonzales's memory. Mike Timlin is 41 and just off the DL. Brendan Donnelly probably is the main seup man, but after that, do you trust Joel Piniero, J.C. Romero, or Kyle Snyder with a lead? Me neither. And what if the injury bug strikes again? Drew knows the DL like Drew Rosenhaus knows the devil.

Player to watch: Perhaps Matsuzaka? Actually, I'm more interested in Beckett. After last year's deal in which the Sox gave up Anibel Sanchez (ouch) and Hanley Ramirez (double ouch) to get him, Beckett was less than effective. He won 16 games but had an unsightly 5.01 ERA. He seemed afraid to throw his devastating curveball (perhaps because of his previous blister problems), and batters were able to feast off of his straight fastballs to the tune of 36 home runs allowed.

Why do we still have to watch this player?: Romero. Oh wait, he's left-handed and is still relatively young at 30. Mark him down for at least 10 more mediocre-to-poor seasons.

Telling statistic: Manny has hit at least 30 home runs and knocked in 100 RBI in the past 9 seasons. He officially may be the most productive certifiably insane player in baseball history, passing Albert Belle a few years back. By the way, Belle and Ramirez used to be teammates in Cleveland. What could they possibly have talked about? Perhaps Belle could barter with Manny and trade his grill for a GPS?

Interesting fact signifying nothing: Dice-K throws at least 7 different pitches for strikes. I haven't seen this many funky angles since I stole that Kama Sutra book from the library when I was 12.

Projected record & finish: 95-67, 2nd Place, AL East, lose in ALDS

Prediction that won't come true but should: Manny plays an entire game naked, and yet still goes 4 for 5 with 2 home runs. He isn't disciplined afterwards.

#6 - Philadelphia Phillies - Phillies - Phaithful Phans Hope Team Is Phantastic and Not Phu!*ed

Pity the Philly sports fan. It has been almost 24 years since the city of Philadelphia has seen a major team win a championship (sorry, the Philadelphia Kixx don't count), the largest drought of any city with teams from four major sports. It's enough to make a fan want to hit Santa with snowballs and/or broken bottles, but I suspect that Philly fans don't believe in Santa at this point. So, I can understand Philly's skepticism over Jimmy Rollins's statement that the Phillies are the "team to beat" in the NL East. Considering that the Phillies haven't made the playoffs since 1993, Rollins's boast might seem like a dark omen to the Philly faithful.

But as a detached observer, I'm here to reassure the good people of Philadelphia that the Phillies are indeed the best team in the NL East. While they may not have the best pitching staff or lineup in the division, they have the most balance of any of the NL East brethren. I think that you'll see the Phillies in October doing something other than filming promos for the 2008 season. So have faith, Philly faithful, and please now put the weapon down ... slowly. Here's what to expect from the Phillies in 2007.

Biggest reason for hope: The Phils have starting pitching depth that no other divisional rival can match. With six quality major league starters (Jon Lieber will have to go to the bullpen), eating up innings should not be an issue. Freddy Garcia was a great offseason pickup (both for his pitching ability and the intimidation factor that comes from looking like The Rock), Cole Hamels has the potential to win 15-20 games, and Jamie Moyer will seemingly be effective until he's 50. With a potent lineup including some power hitter named Howard, Chase Utley, booable but productive Pat Burrell, and Rollins, the team is built to go 162.


Biggest potential nightmare: While the starters can go deep, they may have to given the relatively thin bullpen. Tom Gordon is an effective yet fragile closer, and there's no clear setup man in front of him. Perhaps it's Antonio Alfonseca, who can pitch 75 games a year and is the only MLB player who can give a teammate a "high six." Ideally, the Phils will trade Lieber for a setup guy, but if not, there could be problems. Oh, and did I mention that Charlie Manuel sounds like Forrest Gump? That wouldn't give me a lot of faith in my team's manager, although I would take one of his chocolates if he offered it to me.

Player to watch: Brett Myers. Myers has the best stuff of any Phillies pitcher, and agreed to a 3-year, $26 million extension in the offseason. However, Myers is still somewhat of an enigma who may not have the mental makeup to be a #1 starter. He does, however, have the mental makeup to hit his wife in public. Yep, that'd make me want to give a guy $26 million guaranteed. It's a "prove it" year for Myers, and by "prove it," I mean both to the Phillies and to law enforcement officers.

Why do we still have to watch this player?: Third Baseman Abraham Nunez hit .211 and had an OPS below .600 in 322 at-bats last year in Philly. Yet, he'll be back on this year's roster and still play a fair amount of third base. Did we mention that the Phillies had Scott Rolen at third four short years ago?

Telling statistic: People have a misconception that Citizens Bank Park is a power hitters park. Well, let's look at the stats, shall we? In 2006, 233 homers were hit in Philly, the most of any NL stadium, while teams allowed 204 homers in Phillies road games. So... I guess it isn't a misconception at all. My bad.

Interesting fact signifying nothing: Howard hit 58 homers at the age of 26. The only player younger to hit that many homers in a single season at a younger age was Jimmie Foxx, who hit 58 homers in 1932 for the Philadelphia A's at the age of 25. Of course, we don't know if Foxx was on steroids, so to settle this once and for all, I say we dig him up.

Projected record & finish: 94-68, 1st Place, NL East, Lose in NLDS.

Prediction that won't come true but should: Donovan McNabb is invited to throw out the first pitch at the Phillies home opener, but sadly be trips on his way to the mound and blows out his ACL.

#7 - Los Angeles Dodgers - The Chavez Ravine Retirement Home?

Here's a multiple choice question - the man above is:
a) waiting for a bus
b) clearly lost
c) struggling to get around
d) the starting right fielder for the Los Angeles Dodhgers
e) all of the above


In November 2005, Ned Colletti became the general manager of the Dodgers, replacing Billy Beane protege and young whippersnapper Paul DePodesta. Colletti had previously been assistant GM for the Giants, an organization that is known to ignore their minor league system and embrace "proven veterans" (witness the Giants creaky lineup, which will lead the league in runners caught stealing, games missed due to injury, steroids consumed by a left fielder, and Social Security collected). However, unlike with the Giants, Colletti inherited the consistently rich Dodgers minor league system. How would Colletti handle such riches? Well, basically by ignoring them.

Last year, the kids helped the Dodgers to the NL West title. After the Dodgers were hampered by numerous injuries, Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, and Russell Martin helped revive the team and send it to the playoffs. But that was then, and this is, well, around 1998, if you're Ned Colletti. Ethier and Martin did so well that they may be able to keep their jobs in 2007, but as for the rest of the Dodgers young core? Forget it. Why play Kemp when you can sign 39 year-old Luis Gonzalez, who at this point in his career will probably be good for 10-15 homers and 60-70 RBIs, and can throw the ball with all the strength of a grandmother shot-putting a can of lima beans? Let's sign offensively-challenged-yet-speedy center fielder Juan Pierre to an outrageous 5-year, $44 million dollar contract even though Jason Repko (before getting injured last week) can play the position just as capably at 1/200th the price! Let's bench Ryan Howard-clone James Loney so we can get another year of Nomar at first base! Seriously, if you're under 30, the only way that you can get in the Dodgers lineup is if someone gets hurt. So in that respect, I guess there's hope for Loney.

I think the Dodgers are doing some truly asinine things and wasting money in the stupidest way possible that doesn't involve "making it rain." So why am I still picking them to win the NL West? Because they have the best top-to-bottom pitching in the National League. Their superior moundwork in pitcher-friendly Chavez Ravine will carry the Dodgers to another NL West crown. However, their failure to use their young talent will prevent them from moving much farther than that. They'll keep putting band-aids on problems when the long-term cure is right beneath their noses. And after all, Luis Gonzalez has used all of his playoff karma up. Here's what to expect from the Dodgers in 2007:

Biggest reason for hope: Like the hitters, the starting rotation is old, but it's very good. Assuming that Derek Lowe doesn't seduce another Dodgers on-air personality (if he does, my money's on Vin Scully), he's a quality #1 starter. Jason Schmidt was a great pickup in the offseason - he's still an elite starter and taking him from a division rival was a coup. Add in Brad Penny and Randy Wolf, and the rotation is good. The fifth starter should be 22 year-old Chad Billingsley, who was good in 16 starts last season, but - surprise! - the Dodgers have settled on the immortal Brett Tomko (lifetime 4.54 ERA). Plus, the bullpen is solid, with hard throwers Billingsley, Hong-Chih Kuo and Jonathan Broxton setting up closer Takashi Saito, who had a superb 2006. The Dodgers should lead the league in ERA.

Biggest potential nightmare: Injuries break down the team, which is possible given the older roster. Jeff Kent had a hard time staying healthy last year, even though he managed to avoid washing his truck. Nomar has a hard time staying healthy after he sneezes. Of course, if the regulars go down, the kids may be able to finally play, assuming that Colletti doesn't go out and sign Rickey Henderson or Bob Feller as stop-gap replacements.

Player to watch: Nomah! He slumped badly in the second half last year after making the All-Star team. There are still questions whether he can play a full season anymore at an elite level. Personally, I'm rooting for him - a good Nomah is always wicked pissah for his long-time fans. Of course, I'm guessing that the over/under for his first injury is May 1, when he sprains his neck under the weight of so much hair gel.

Why do we still have to watch this player?: Brady Clark. The 34 year-old journeyman outfielder finally got an everyday shot at a job in Milwaukee, and promptly played himself out of the starting lineup. Perhaps it's because he's doesn't possess power, arm strength, speed, or defensive skill. However, when Repko went down, the Dodgers chose to - surprise! - trade for Clark and use him as a fourth outfielder, instead of using one of their many young outfielders in the role.

Telling statistic: With the Giants, Schmidt was 78-37 with a 3.36 ERA. That's a big subtraction for the Giants and a big addition for the Dodgers.

Interesting fact signifying nothing: The Dodgers staff has an Asian flair. Saito is from Japan, Kuo and reliever Chin-hui Tsao are from Taiwan, and the 260-pound Penny really likes General Tso's Chicken.

Projected record & finish: 92-70, 1st place, NL West - lose in NLDS

Prediction that won't come true but should: The Dodgers are ahead in Game 7 of the NLCS, but lose the game when manager Grady Little fails to pull Lowe in favor of one of their great setup men. When asked why he made his decision, Little said that he wanted his best pitcher on the mound, which is why Lowe pitched all 63 innings in the series.

#8 - Cleveland Indians - The Spice Is Back

I use the term "guilty pleasure" too much. For example, I may refer to a mediocre album (such anything by Aerosmith) as a guilty pleasure even though there is SOME redeeming quality to the art (well, maybe not "Dude Looks Like a Lady," but I digress). A guilty pleasure should have NO redeeming qualities, but they are enjoyed nonetheless (example - any of the Seagal films with three-word titles). One of my true guilty pleasures is hot dogs, which I all think we can agree have no redeeming qualities.

However, there is one exception to my hot dog craving that takes the "guilty pleasure" title away from the miscellaneous meat product - Cleveland Stadium Mustard. It's the perfect hot dog mustard - strong, tangy, with just a hint of sweetness. The greatest stadium hot dog that I've ever had was a foot long with stadium mustard and onions at Jacobs Field in 2001. Is it bad that I'm still smiling at the thought of a footlong that I ate almost six years ago? Paging Dr. Freud?

The Indians are a team that usually can't cut the mustard (pun entirely intended). In 2006, big things were expected from the Tribe after their 2005 campaign that should have netted a playoff berth but for the fact that they played with their hands around their throat over the last week of the season. However, the Indians were the most disappointing team of 2006, finishing with a 78-84 record. This year, the Indians are back with largely the same young core of players, with a few notable upgrades. In the tough AL Central, the Indians will have their hands full, but the lack of attention being paid to them should let them play with less pressure. Their great hitting and steady pitching will lead them to the AL Central crown and to a team worthy of their stadium's mustard. Here's what to expect from the Indians in 2007:

Biggest reason for hope: People forget how good this lineup is. Grady Sizemore may now be the best leadoff hitter in the game. Travis Hafner will start winning MVP awards very soon. Victor Martinez is the best hitting catcher in baseball. Newly acquired (or should I say stolen) second baseman Josh Barfield will be a 25-25 guy. If the triumverate of C.C. Sabathia, Cliff Lee, and Jake Westbrook perform to expectations , and Jeremy Sowers follows up a successful rookie campaign by capably filling the #4 starter role, the Tribe could dominate.

Biggest potential nightmare: Did I mention that Sabathia is knicked up, and bears a striking resemblance to Fat Albert and David Wells? Did I mention that Lee will start the season on the DL? Did I mention that the Indians haven't won the World Series in 59 years? Did I mention that I'm nervous abot my pick?

Player to watch: Jhonny Peralta. In 2005, Peralta's first full season in the bigs was a smashing success. He batted third for the Tribe and had a solid .292-24-78 campaign with a .366 OBP and .520 SLG. However, in 2006 those numbers sunk to .257-13-68, with a .323 OBP and ugly .385 SLG. Perhaps as bad, he got a reputation as being lazy and out of shape, and was dropped to ninth in the order. So will Jhonny be Good in 2007? He's still only 25, and there's time to recover before he turns into the next "fat Elvis" Carlos Baerga.

Why do we still have to watch this player?: Trot Nixon, but only because I wanted him to retire as a Red Sox player. Be good, Trot - I expect you to have the Indian on your cap pine tarred out by Game 2.

Telling Statistic: Looking for a good reason for Cleveland's 15 game decline from 2005 to 2006? In 2005, the bullpen ERA was 2.80 with 15 blown saves and a 77% save percentage. In 2006, the pen's ERA was 4.66, with 23 blown saves and a ghastly 51% save percentage.

Interesting fact signifying nothing: Who has the best lifetime average in Tribe history? Would you believe that it's Shoeless Joe Jackson? Before he was a victim of the Black Sox scandal, he amassed a .374 lifetime average in Cleveland. Just mentioning this fact makes Kevin Costner's nipples a little more erect.

Projected record & finish: 90-72, 1st place, AL Central - lose in ALDS

Prediction that won’t come true but should: Albert Belle comes out of retirement in midseason. His bat has slowed, but he becomes adept at stealing signs via the GPS that he attaches to each visiting manager.

#9 - Minnesota Twins - Close, but Just a Little Creamy Filling Short

Through the years, the Twins have affectionately been referred to as the Twinkies. Like a Twinkie, the Twins are a reasonably affordable product, and don't break down after an extraordinary amount of time. In the Twins case, a good front office, great minor league pipeline, and shrewd trades are responsible for the team's long-term success despite its below $70 million payroll. In the case of a Twinkie, longevity is the result of massive quantites of preservatives. So, I guess the comparison ends there, except to the degree that sponge cake has the same consistency as the Metrodome's Field Turf, but I digress...

The Twins were one of the great success stories of 2006. At 25-33 and 12 1/2 games out of first on June 8, their postseason prospects were as unlikely as Dick Cheney appearing on the Daily Show. However, a 71-33 finish propelled them to the AL Central title. Can they do it again? When you have the reigning MVP and Cy Young winner (Justin Morneau, Johan Santana) and the first catcher to win a batting title since 1942 (take a bow, Joe Mauer), anything is possible.

However, there are questions with this team, starting with the starting pitching. Francisco Liriano is gone for '07 after hearing the dreaded words "Tommy John." Will the Twins have enough for a return to the playoffs? Well, somebody has to be the best team not to make the postseason, and sadly I think the Twins will be that team. However, even if they don't make the playoffs, the Twins' system of developing star players through their minor league system is as strong as ever, and thus they will continue their Twinkie-like staying power. Here's what to expect from the Twins in 2007:

Biggest reason for hope: The above-mentioned superstars. No pitcher means more to his team than Santana does to the Twins. The remaining starters can take comfort in the fact that the Twins have one of the best bullpens in baseball. Closer Joe Nathan (1.58 ERA, 36 saves) is undoubtedly one of the best closers in the business, but perhaps as importantly, the middle and setup guys are top-rate, too. No other team can match the relief depth that Juan Rincon (2.91 ERA) , Jesse Crain (3.52 ERA), Pat Neshek (37 IP, 53 K), lefty specialist Dennys Reyes (0.89 ERA), and long man Matt Guerrier (3.36 ERA) provide.

Biggest potential nightmare: Ramon Ortiz and Sidney Ponson - 40% of the Twins 2007 rotation. Rejoice, opposing batters! Now, Ponson and Ortiz balance each other out weight-wise (they look like Laurel and Hardy next to each other), but in terms of recent success, both are starving. Ponson hasn't had an ERA below 5 since 2003, and his last three years have been good only to MLB batters and Maryland's criminal defense attorney population. Ortiz is back in the AL after 2 years of plus 5 ERAs in the National League. In fairness to Ortiz, though, he is a durable pinata - he's made 63 starts over the past two years (and allowed 65 homers). These guys are supposed to replace Liriano and the retired Brad Radke? That's the equivalent of replacing a flashy Porsche (Liriano) and a steady pickup truck (Radke) with an Adobe (the car made of clay!) and a Krispy Kreme box with 4 tires.

Player to watch: Matt Garza. Garza is Minnesota's next big starting pitching prospect, and is supposedly ready for the majors. While he'll start the season in Triple-A, he could give the rotation the same midseason injection that Santana and Liriano did for the Twins in 2003 and 2006, respectively. Even if he is meduiocre, Garza will be a breath of fresh air for Twins fans traumatized by the Ortiz-Ponson madness.

Why do we still have to watch this player?: I can't find anyone here - every player seems to either have a redeeming quality or is too young to brand as unwatchable. Oh wait, did I mention that the Twins have Sidney Ponson?

Telling Statistic: The Twins led the majors in with a 2.91 ERA from their bullpen. No other team had an ERA under 3, and the next closest American League team was Oakland at 3.60.

Interesting fact signifying nothing: Looking for great deals in Twins history? On November 14, 2003, the Twins dealt catcher A.J. Pierzynski to the Giants for Nathan, Liriano, and Boof Bonser (now Minnesota's #2 starter). Mauer replaced Pierzynski at catcher in Minnesota, while Pierzynski left the Giants after one year via free agency. That splashing sound you hear is a sea of Giants fans jumping into the bay with cement blocks tied around their ankles.

Projected record & finish: 87-75, 2nd place, AL Central

Prediction that won’t come true but should: Team owner Carl "Montgomery Burns" Pohlad decides that his billionaire status means that he can spend a bit more on the team. Twins players arrive on opening day to find lunch boxes in their locker, courtesy of the owner.

#10 - Oakland A's - Will Beanes Sprout in October?

Hello, I'm Billy Beane. In addition to being disarmingly handsome, I also serve as GM of the Oakland A's. Perhaps you've heard of my work? Read Moneyball? Seen my website, www.smugbastard.com? Seen Joe Morgan froth at the mouth at the mention of my name? As you know, I find underappreciated talent and mold it into playoff material at a reasonable price.

The manager? I'm working on eliminating the position altogether, but for now it remains technically necessary. I fired Ken Macha after last season even though he led our team to its first ALCS since 1990 despite an inconsistent offense and a shaky bullpen. How did we get there? Because I recruited a great defensive team! Jackass thought he could get MY glory. I don't even remember the new manager's name - I think I found him at an Amway meeting. Anyway, it's MY team, and I WILL get the credit for it. Did I mention my good looks?

Now I face my biggest task yet. In the offseason, we let our best pitcher (Barry Zito) and our sole productive hitter (Frank Thomas) walk away. So how do we replace them? Well, that's for me to know and for you to find out. Just watch me work my genius again this year. I expect to see you in October, at which point you will praise my abilities thusly. However, once the playoffs start, any Oakland failures are not my fault. Random luck is the reason for my team's playoff failures, not my inability to get a team that's built for the playoffs. Do not question my genius. I'm Billy Beane, bitch. Here's what to expect from the A's this season:

Biggest reason for hope: The A's always seem to win even on a shoestring budget. Even absent Zito, they have a solid starting staff led by Rich Harden, Dan Haren, and several veteran players poised for comeback years, most notably Eric Chavez. At the All-Star break, they assess their needs, make a few deals, and go 50-20 down the stretch. It seems to work this way almost every year.

Biggest potential nightmare: The offense sputters like Sergio Garcia on a putting green. Chavez's struggles continue despite his return to health. Mark Ellis proves that 2005 was a career year. Dan Johnson proves that prospects can fail. Milton Bradley morphs into Carl Everett, in both girth and demeanor. Mike Piazza fails to match Thomas's production. Beane gives up and trades for prospects in July.

Player to watch: Harden. He may be the best "what if" pitcher in baseball not named Wood or Prior. If healthy, he may be the best pitcher in the AL not named Santana, and he could easily take the ace role that Zito abdicated. However, he has only stayed healthy for one complete season, and he's never thrown 200 innings. For the A's to be successful, they need Harden like Milton Bradley needs a Valium.

Why do we still have to watch this player?: Antonio Perez. Lat year, Perez hit .102. with a .185 OBP. and a .204 slugging. and struck out in 45% of his at bats. Yes, that's very bad grammar, but each failure deserved its own sentence fragment.

Telling statistic: The A's made the ALCS in 2006 despite ranking 7th in the AL in OBP and 13th in slugging percentage.

Two interesting facts signifying nothing: The A's are planning on building a new baseball-only stadium in Fremont, CA, and may rename the team either the "Fremont A's" or the "Silicon Valley A's." I've never heard of Fremont, but after doing some research, I've come to find that it has the largest Afghan-American population in the U.S. I'm glad to see that the U.S. is finally giving Afghans the support that the need (sorry about that whole failure to eliminate the Taliban in Afghanistan thing due to allocating our troops to another war - our bad).

Additionally, I attended a game in Oakland last year, and made a fascinating discovery. To the best of my knowledge the A's are the only team that has a Black Panther Tofu Burger food stand. I enjoyed my tofu burger - it was the best food that I ever had that I can say for sure wasn't made by The Man.

Projected record & finish: 87-75, 2nd place, AL West

Prediction that won’t come true but should: In trying to predict proven performance, Beane drafts only players who have retired from the major leagues.