Hats of the AL East

Well, it’s been awhile. Too long, in fact. Real life is a bitch, especially when your wife has a complicated pregnancy and you have a new job. But I digress. As the dust settles down, we need to address a very serious subject, one that is at the very core of baseball. The joyless march of Bonds? The surging Cubs? The fading Steinbrenner? No. I’m referring to something much more important – hats.

Let’s face it – baseball caps are a staple of American life. You can’t walk down any semi-crowded street corridor without seeing at least one. Of course, one should always have the hat of their favorite team. But is it OK to have another team’s hat? Sure, in this case a polygamous hat relationship is OK, within limits (Sox fans, no Yankees hats and vice versa). But what are the great hats and what are the retina-burning ones? Glad you (sort of) asked. Allow me to present a short review of every team’s official head coverings. By the way, these are official caps ONLY. Nothing unstructured, retro, alternate colored, "fashion," and for the love of God, NO PINK HATS. These are just the hats that the actual teams wear on the field for games. We'll start with the AL East, which has some of the greatest disparities between good, and Cheneyesque...


BALTIMORE ORIOLES

HOME CAP


The ornithological Oriole is a step up from ol’ happy, chunky Oriole. It’s a classy look for a team that once had class (yep, I’m talkin’ to you, Angelos!). I also give it a thumbs up because it allows me to use the word “ornithological” in a sentence.

Grade: B+

ROAD CAP

Same look, only with an all-black look rather than an orange brim. Personally, I like the all-black look better. It adds to the class factor, and reminds me of Angelos’s heart. I'd wear it with as much pride as an Oriole fan could have these days.

Grade: A-

ALTERNATE

“O” no! As classy as the other O’s caps are, this one is just silly. The cursive "O" looks odd. But hey, it’s a great use of the apostrophe. I'd wear it if the only alternative was a sunburn.

Grade: D

BOSTON RED SOX

Simple but classy. The size of the "B" is perfectly proportioned for the hat, and the "B" has an interesting shape that's not too simple but doesn't overpower. It's also red, white, and blue. Basically, if you hate this cap, you hate America.

Grade: A

NEW YORK YANKEES
Again, a great cap that's simple but still interesting enough to look at repeatedly. Kudos to the Yankees for not changing their hat for 80 years, and for resisting the temptation to create alternate caps that would sell like crazy. The only downside that there is to wearing a Yankees cap is that it sucks a little bit more of your soul out with each fitting. But besides that, hey, it's great.

Grade: A

TORONTO BLUE JAYS

HOME CAP

I never realized that Blue Jays were so aerodynamic! This cap proves that newer isn't nevcessarily better. The Jays redid their caps a few years back, removing the maple leaf, adding a "J," and going from a predominantly blue cap to a black cap. The result is a futuristic-looking mess in which the metallic blue looks out of place with the black and silver. If they had worn baseball caps in "Blade Runner," these would have been the ones.

Grade: C-

ALTERNATE

Same as above, only it loses more points for taking the blue jay off of the hat. This is the equivalent of McDonalds removing the Golden Arches from the front of its restaurants.

Grade: D+

TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS

HOME CAP

Good ... God. Let's take the "Linda Blair Pea Soup Vomit" shade of green, add boring lettering and an ugly mascot, throw it all together, and voila! This style is why you don't see many Tampa Bay hats around. Well, that and the team is more pathetic than Jose Canseco...

Grade: D- (but only because these late 90's specials were even worse)

ROAD Basically, it's the same hat, only it's black instead of that hideous green. So, it gets a slightly better grade, albeit not much better.

Grade: D+

ALTERNATE

Hey kids - let's take the top of the road cap, the brim of the home cap, and call it an alternate cap! That's sure to boost sales! If they're not going to try, neither am I. So, let's split the difference of the two grades above.

Grade: D