As Barry turns (he blocks the sun with his skull)

Sigh - the Barry Bonds saga is destined to be a collective red wine stain on our nation's pressed seersucker suit. It is NOW being reported that the Giants will not be allowed to terminate Barry Bonds's contract in the event that he is indicted. Said Barry's agent, Jeff Borris (who must be ignoring that panging feeling inside his body that will later be determined to be his "soul" ):

"Although it is not my policy to comment on the specifics of an individual player's contract, the reporting that Barry will allow the Giants to get out of his contract if he is indicted on the federal steroid investigation is inaccurate," he said. "The collective bargaining agreement governs the work relationship between the owners and players, not the Giants' unilateral assertions."

Borris added that any language in the contract where Bonds would give up his right to file a grievance in the event that the Giants terminate his contract is unenforceable. So, if the language is in the contract, we may be gearing up for a fun legal battle this summer. Personally, I want to find out if the contract requires him to dress up as Paula Abdul again this year. If so, it would be a neck-and-neck race to see which one of those two individuals has more illegal substances in their body at any given time.

Borris concluded by saying that Barry is in the best shape of his career, and is now actually at the same weight as during his rookie season. You may remember his appearance then:

Sosa Once Again in Baseball, Able to Speak English

Sammy Sosa has signed a minor-league deal with the Texas Rangers, and reports are that he's ready to go. Sosa rejoins the team where he started his career in 1989, when he looked like this:

And here's Sammy in 2005:

As you can see, not much has changed, other than the El DeBarge mustache, of course.

Additionally, a year away from the game has aparently allowed Sosa to re-master his English. As you may recall, Sosa, who was previously fluent in English, forgot how to speak the language and brought an interpreter for his "testimony" before Congress in March 2005. Said the now-fluent Sosa, "I'm not going to let you guys down." He added, "and I won't be down either, because I'll be hepped up on amphetamines! Um, I mean... Que? No habla ingles? Donde esta mis jeringas?"

Barry Bonds Finalizes Contract, New Bobblehead Doll

For better or for worse - no, let me rephrase that, for worse, the Giants and Barry Bonds have finalized their 1 year, $18 million contract for the 2007 season. Thus, barring injury, suspension, or indictment, we will be subject to probably the most awkward and painful record chase in history this summer. Bonds needs just 22 home runs to pass Hank Aaron, and the event will be celebrated - well, in certain San Francisco neighborhoods. Mr. Bonds had better hope that the record will be broken in San Francisco. Otherwise, the record will be received with as much enthusiasm as Dick Cheney at a MoveOn.Org confrence.

Additionally, it's still not too late to purchase a Barry Bonds Knucklehead Bobblehead Doll! The doll is super fortified with extra springs to balance its massive head. Additionally, so far as I know, it's the only bobblehead that sprouts back acne. Or perhaps you'd prefer this bobblehead.

Addendum - it's now been revealed that the Giants can void the contract if Bonds gets indicted. Bonds has also given up the right to ask the Players Association to file a grievance on behalf if this termination occurs (although the union could still file a grievance on their own). Why would Bonds agree to this poison pill? Because who else would take him at this point (other than Greg Anderson)? Because he has absolutely no leverage. Perhaps the only people with less leverage at this point are some of these folks, such as him, him, him, and of course him again.

Schilling in '08? Yes and no.

Today, Curt Schilling, expert on all things and master Jeopardy champion, announced that he has changed his plans to retire after the season and will pitch in 2008. In all likelihood, he'll pitch for the Red Sox in 2008, although he could conceivably sign with another team.

Personally, I'm ecstatic that Schilling will likely be back in Beantown in 2008. I love the guy - I envision one day telling my grandkids about the sacrifices that he made to help the Sox win in 2004. However, I'm more excited that Schilling will pitch in 2008 because an apparent alternative was to run for the U.S. Senate. Apparently, there is a grassroots campaign to draft Schilling to run against John Kerry in 2008. For now, Schilling says he's "flattered as hell" by the movement, but he won't make the run, which I guess is now obvious given that he'll be an active player in 2008. However, if Schilling had retired, he might have been deluded enough to talk himself into a run. Before you embrace the idea of Mr. Schilling going to Washington, let me share a quote of his from WEEI today:

"And as far as Hillary Clinton goes, I just want her to keep talking. Amazing. I just cringe every time I hear someone with a voice in the political scene talking out against the war. I'm not for it. No one's for it, but I just feel like, especially someone like Hillary, who has to know that those comments have serious implications overseas for the men and women of the United States armed forces, and it scares the hell out of me."

So, in other words, Curt can be against the war and say so in public, but if Hillary Clinton does it, then it hurts the troops. Free speech? Eh. I don't get the distinction. I guess that dissent isn't patriotic if it's from certain people. Maybe Schilling has just enough hypocrisy to make it in Washington. And in case you are still tempted to support him, in case you forgot:




We're glad you're still playing, Curt. Feel free to talk about any subject - you can be genuinely charming. Hell, I'd rather have a beer with you than with John Kerry (who'd explain the brewing and aging process of every kind of beer in the bar before he took a sip, and probably wouldn't notice when his guest tried to gouge their eyes out). Please just don't run for office. Your country needs you - on the mound.

If only I knew how to throw a knuckler - I'd be rich!

In the late 1990's and the early part of this decade, baseball owners were generally in a good place and flush with money (yes, that is an overgeneralization). Nonetheless, the results were some truly asinine contracts, including many to starting pitchers. The list of dumb deals is extensive, but here are some highlights:

1) The Dodgers gave Kevin Brown a 7 year, $105 million deal, and after a few seasons watched him break down in a manner that would have made Tom Petty proud. Fortunately for the right-thinking people of America, the final stages of Brown's breakdown occurred in pinstripes, where he is best known for breaking his pitching hand after punching a phone (and, oh yes, choking in Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS).

2) The Rangers threw $65 million at Chan-Ho Park, only to find out that "Chan-Ho Park" translates to "Cannot Pitch Effectively in the American League."

3) Not content with the Kevin Brown deal, the Dodgers gave Darren Dreifort a 5 year, $55 million contract and proceeded to watch him win 9 games before injuries forced his retirement in 2004. In fairness, however, those were nine quality starts.

4) And in the most egregious example of starter contract madness, the Colorado Rockies signed pitchers Mike Hampton and Denny Neagle for a combined $172 million and hoped that both could adjust their sinking pitches to hitter-friendly Coors Field, which is the equivalent of wishing for a logical Iraq strategy from the Bush Administration. In the end, neither made the adjustment. Hampton was traded after two inglorious seasons to Atlanta, where he resurrected his career before being forced to have Tommy John surgery. Neagle was not so lucky. He was so desperate to leave Colorado that he slept with this woman and subsequently had the remaining $19 million of his contract voided after he pled guilty to patronizing this prostitute (she must have looked better in the rarified mountain air). He currently toils in the witness protection program (or the Devil Rays, I forget which, although they’re pretty much the same thing).

Anyway, the message from these disasters seemed to be that investing in long-term, high money contracts for pitchers was not all that wise. For a few years, teams shied away from long-term deals for pitchers, with the exception of the occasional stud #1 starter. Teams finally seemed to be getting that investing many years in such a fragile commodity was unwise. Remember the flak that the Red Sox took when they didn't offer Pedro Martinez a fourth year and he went to the Mets? How does that decision look now? Thus, given the ample weight of precedent, owners would certainly not fall into the trap of blatantly overpaying for starting pitching. Even last year, when the Blue Jays gave oft-injured, mercurial and nipple-pierced pitcher A.J. Burnett a 5-year, $55 million deal, it was seen as a crazy move by a team desperate to compete in the AL East. Surely this madness wouldn’t be repeated in the offseason of 2006-2007, right?

Um, nevermind. This offseason was a veritable orgy of stupid contracts, and 80 percent of them were given to starters. Most of the contracts were given to non-number 1 starters, but for #1 starter money. Many teams still don’t seem to get that starters are huge risks given their durability, or lack thereof. In reality, is it worth paying $10 million for a fourth starter when there’s likely a guy at Triple-A who could come near those same pitching stats for one-thirtieth the price? I’m sorry, that’s too logical – let’s mock some more. Here are the ten worst starter signings of the offseason (backwards from merely terrible to GOOD GOD WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????) By the way, I’m leaving Matsusaka and Igawa out of this list – I’m only looking at pitchers who have proven records of mediocrity and failure at the major-league level):

10) Adam Eaton, Phillies (3 years $24.5 million). Eaton has started a total of 37 games over the last 2 seasons. If anyone thinks he’ll make it through this season healthy, bear in mind that he once missed a start after gashing his abdomen with a knife while trying to open a new DVD. It’s obvious he won’t fit in with the Phillies – after all, their fans know how to use knives, not to mention other projectile objects.

9) Danys Baez, Jamie Walker, and Chad Bradford, RPs, Orioles ($42 million). OK, this is cheating – all three are relievers. However, combined, they’ll have near a starter’s worth of innings this year (assuming they stay healthy), and all were extremely overpaid. They're not terrible, but they're not great. Baez is a former closer who’s blown almost 30 percent of his career save chances. So, this year he’ll get over $6 million per year to blow games in the 7th inning instead of the 9th. Jamie Walker is a 35 year-old lefty specialist who’s decidedly mediocre at getting lefties out. Bradford will face a maximum of 2-3 batters per game. All this for only $42 million! It could get ugly in Camden Yards this year, and by ugly, I mean Peter Angelos ugly.

8) Ted Lilly, Cubs (4 years, $40 million): Legend already has it that Cubs GM Jim Hendry finalized this deal while he was hooked up to an EKG machine after having chest pains. Given that Lilly is a lifetime $59-58 with a 4.60 ERA and has a propensity to give up homers to righties, Hendry may want to have an EKG on hand when he watches Lilly pitch at Wrigley. On the bright side, Lilly and his manager nearly came to blows in the dugout tunnel last season. Given that Lou Piniella is managing the Cubs this year, we could have a boxing match on the pitching mound by June 1. Should be fun.

7) David Wells, Padres (1 year, $3 million). Actually, this is a pretty reasonable deal. However, when you consider the fact that Wells will eat and drink at least $10 million in pre and postgame spreads, it becomes much more troublesome. Of course, he may have gotten himself in shape, you never know!



Doubt it, though.

6) Jeff Suppan, Brewers (4 years, $42 million). If I could have written the
press release announcing Jeff Suppan’s signing (and made up quotes in it), it would have gone something like this:


SUPPAN EXCITED TO JOIN MILWAUKEE, RETURN TO ANONYMITY
Jeff Suppan agreed to a 4-year, $42 million contract today with the Milwaukee Brewers. Suppan, a journeyman pitcher who has pitched for the Red Sox, Diamondbacks, Royals, Pirates, Red Sox (again), and the Cardinals, said that he was looking forward to once again fading into the background. “For years, I’ve been a middle-of-the road-guy, not too noticeable. Heck, I’ve never struck out more than 120 guys in a season, and the Red Sox thought so little of me that they left me off of their 2003 playoff roster,” Suppan said. He added, “My kids mistake me for Jason Marquis some days.”

Up until six months ago, Suppan’s only brush with fame was his stupid base running in the 2004 World Series. But then he won the NLCS MVP last year after 2 good starts, and suddenly he was no longer anonymous. Said Suppan, “The offseason was great – the free meals, the shaking hands, the stem cell prohibition ads, but in my heart I’ve always wanted to remain anonymous. That was my main reason in choosing Milwaukee. But hey, now I get to be anonymous for $42 million.” Suppan added that Brewers fans shouldn’t expect more than 12 wins and a 4.60 ERA this year, and then asked that the TV cameras be turned off, as they were drawing too much attention to him.

5) Barry Zito, Giants (7 years, $126 million). 7 years at $18 million per is too
much for any starter. However, it’s WAY too much for a guy whose walk-to-strikeout ratio has increased for four out of five years. Yes, he’s “durable” in that he doesn’t miss starts, but for $126 million I’d expect durability and performance. I’m just not sure that he’s a #1 guy. On the bright side, I’m sure that the money will cover his moving expenses from Oakland to San Francisco. I’m also looking forward to the expression on Barry Bonds’s face the first time that Zito pulls out a guitar in the locker room. I’m sure he’s already working on a rhyme for “Did I f@$*in stutter?”

4) Miguel Batista, Mariners (3 years, $25 million). While supposedly one of the smartest players in the majors and known to quote Einstein, the 35 year-old Batista apparently isn’t smart enough to use his knowledge of physics to place the ball where he actually wants it. He hasn’t had an ERA below 4 since 2003, and 2006 was his first season of 200+ innings. It’s a shame that the M’s didn’t keep Carl Everett – Batista could have tutored him on evolution. Batists has also written and published a crime novel, and after signing for $25 million, it's safe to say that he truly knows the meaning of theft.

3) Jason Marquis, Cubs (3 years, $21 million). Hey, look it’s the Cubs throwing money around again! Marquis had a 6.02 ERA in 2006, a pudgy physique, and a surly attitude. For this, he gets a World Series ring and $21 million. In fairness, his ERA came in 33 starts, so he was durably bad. If anything, the Cubs must be depressed to get him, as they hit .363 off of him last year. By midseason, Marquis may make Cubs fans feel like Marquis de Sade, without all of the sexual tittilation (but with the excrutiating pain).

2) Vicente Padilla, Rangers (3 years, $33.75 million). Here’s how Padilla has been described: poor makeup, lack of consistent focus, surly, and oh yeah, he probably has a drinking problem. He’s also a lifetime 66-61, and he’s missed significant time two of the previous three years. Yep, that’s the kind of guy I’d want to bank $34 million on. Perhaps the Rangers are hoping that Padilla will be less surly now that he can afford top-shelf liquor.

1) Gil Meche, Royals (5 years, $55 million). I don’t know where to begin in describing how bad this deal is. The Royals have one of the lowest payrolls in baseball, and have been loathe to give out big contracts. So who do they decided to break the bank for? Gil Freakin’ Meche, he of the 4.65 career ERA, NO seasons with 200 innings pitched, two years missed with a rotator cuff injury, and a reputation as a consistent underachiever. At the beginning of the free agent period, I figured that Meche may get a 3-year deal. But 5 years and $55 million? 20 percent of your total payroll? Royals fans, I feel for you. At least there’s the barbecue, I guess.

In fairness, there were some good, low-risk pitcher signings this offseason. Many veterans took 1 or 2-year deals at reasonable prices (Tom Glavine, El Duque, Randy Wolf, Tomo Ohka, Mark Mulder). These deals were all 2 years or less, and thus the risk to the teams was minimal. It goes without saying that none of these guys were signed by the Cubs.

All of these moves make Billy Beane look even smarter (not that he needs his ego to go any higher). Beane (who to the uninitiated is the Oakland GM) has been criticized ad nauseum for his "Moneyball" principles. The criticism often revolves around the fact that "Moneyball" relies too heavily on a stats such as a batters' on-base and slugging percentages and not enough on other factors (such as defense, baserunning, and those vital "intangibles" that Joe Morgan substitutes for Internet porn to make him horny). However, if anyone has followed the philosophy of Beane, "Moneyball" isn't really about getting beer-league softball guys who get on base and do nothing else. Rather, it's about investing money wisely, typically by spending on "undervalued" commodities. Given that the A's have a limited payroll ($62 million on 2006, as opposed to $194 million in Gotham), doesn't it make sense to spend that $62 million on say, $100 million in value?

A few years back, teams were undervaluing OBP, and thus the A's stayed competitive with said beer-leaguers (of course, developing young starters like Mulder, Hudson and Zito didn't hurt, either). However, last year's A's team went to the ALCS with a team that was only 7th in OBP and 13th in slugging in the American League. So how did they make it that far? Well, for starters, the A's had the 4th best ERA in the league. Plus, they had the second highest fielding percentage and a big increase in their deficiency rating (basically, this means the percentage of balls in play that they successfully fielded). Billy Beane, realizing that there was an OBP mini-craze, went out and invested more in defense, and it worked.

Mr. Beane must be chuckling now at baseball's newest overspending spree for starting pitchers. Note that the A’s did not invest in a starter this year even though they lost Zito (although they still have Harden, Haren, and Loaiza). They might have some weaknesses at the back end of their rotation, but better to use their limited resources on other things and let Brad Halsey/Joe Kennedy/Joe Blanton/Dan Meyer et al. fill out the last 2 rotation spots than to spend $25 million on a fourth starter with high risk. Decisions like this are why the A’s will be in the playoff chase, while some of the other teams above will wonder what went wrong.

If you go to RFK this year, you may want to bring a book

Thomas Boswell has an interesting column in today's Washington Post on the state of the Nationals. I've always liked Boz, even though he once took an e-mail of mine and published it as his own work. Nonetheless, he has a passion for the game, is a solid writer, and isn't afraid to take on the devil when necessary.

Basically, the column points out that you or I could be pitching for the Nats by the All-Star break. It's that bad. I understand the need to invest in youth, but the Nats projected 5-man rotation won a combined 10 games last year. Something tells me that there will be plenty of seats available for the final season at RFK.

Still, the Nats are probably doing the right thing here. Better to stink now and let the kids play and see what they have, and then invest carefully in free agency before moving into Lobbyists Field in 2008. There is precedent here. In 2003, the Tigers went 43-119 and looked worse than Donald Trump in a thong. The Tigers played their kids and took their lumps. Jeremy Bonderman went 6-19. Nate Robertson, Francisco Rodney, and Wil Ledezma were the Tina to opponents' bats Ike. Brandon Inge hit .203. We all know how this turned out only three years later. All of these guys were key contributors on a World Series team.

So, let's give it a shot and support the Nats as they crawl towards 108 losses this year. And hey, maybe they will sign another free agent or two. After all, they just signed Tony Womack! Let the good times roll!

Entering Access Hollywood Territory

I swear I won't get into sports romance gossip that much (we saw how well ESPN Hollywood went, after all). But sadly, it appears that two of America's most beautiful people, Jessica Biel and His Derekness are no more. I'm sure that Jeter will be OK, being that he has the power to woo the ladies with his bat, glove, and of course his grapefruit, driftwood and oak moss cologne. Judging by this picture, Ms. Biel should be OK, too. I'm really only making this post so I can post this picture. Oh Diddy, could you be a widdy less obvious?

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The Taming of the Drew

Over seven weeks after they announced a preliminary deal, the parties appear to have finally finalized the contract, and Drew could be introduced tomorrow. In a period that made a lot of attorneys quite wealthy, the Sox basically got protection in the event that Drew's right shoulder once again turns into goo.

To recap, J.D. Drew has played more than 135 games once in his career. While his career OPS is .061 points higher than Trot Nixon, he will be paid up to $70 million over the next 5 years. By contrast, the Red Sox could have probably had Nixon for somewhere near the 1 year, $3 million deal that he signed with Cleveland. Trot is the ultimate fan favorite, and nobody plays the game harder. By contrast, Drew has a reputation of being indifferent, and according to Tony "I Know More Than You about Baseball and Puppies" LaRussa, he does not put forth full effort. This is a view shared by many of Drew's former teammates, who feel that he will not play through even the slightest of injuries.

Basically, the Sox are on the hook for three years of the deal, but the Sox can void the last two years of the deal if he goes on the DL for anything relating to their findings on Drew's shoulder. Drew had surgery for a torn labrum in September 2005, and still has weakness in the shoulder. His shoulder was so bad that they had to drill holes in his shoulder blade to facilitate cartilage growth.

Oy. $70 million, you say?

I have a feeling this may be a HUGE mistake for Theo and crew. However, for the money they're paying J.D., they had better get three solid years out of him. If the shoulder goes in the first three years, I want him in the lineup regardless. If he whines, I've got two words for him: Pete Gray.

Yankees May Have Found Regime More Repressive Than Their Own

In today's news, the Yankees are seeking to create a working agreement with Chinese baseball. Obviously, the race for baseball talent has turned Far Eastward. Says Yankees president Randy Levine, "I tink the power of the Yankee brand all over the world is what's driving this." Unfortunately, the term "Yankee brand" was lost in translation to some the Chinese players under the potential agreement, leading to this result:

On the bright side, the Yankees may now be able to get Giambi some of that stuff that the Chinese swimmers get.

The Merloni Manifesto

I bid you welcome to the Merloni Mania. Prepare to be dazzled with the wit and insight of one of America’s most rabid baseball fans. OK, that may not necessarily be true. I am a rabid fan, but I’ll leave the determination of wit and insight to you, the reader. I can promise this – I WILL be more insightful and have better hair than John Kruk (for now, let’s start the bar low and work our way up).

Before you read any further, I should probably give you a general smattering of what this blog will encompass, a few ideas, philosophies, etc. After you’re done reading this, you can decide whether to come back to this site or leave screaming (if you’re a sadomasochist, you can repeat this process on a regular basis):

1) This column will pretty much be about baseball. Occasionally, it may veer into football and/or politics (depending on what Ray Lewis or Michael Irvin wear, or Dick Cheney says), but hardball is mostly where it’s at here.

2) As a baseball fan, it seems that there are two fundamental schools of thought. There is the Ken Burns/George Will school, which tends to wax Yeatsian as to how the game is a pastoral land of wonder, without defined space or time – basically, those folks who automatically get aroused by the smell of rosin and fresh grass seed. By contrast, the Bill James/Rob Neyer school is statistically based, and taken to its extreme argues that everything in baseball can be defined and predicted with great certainty by statistical analysis. These are the folks who take facts out of context to argue that David Ortiz is not a “clutch” hitter because he only hit .278 with runners in scoring position last year. Unfortunately, the most extreme of these sabermetric geeks bring down the entire group and allow anti-sabermetric geeks (like Joe Morgan, who when “Moneyball” is mentioned to him gets more crimson than Chrisopher Molisanti after Adriana tells him that she’s talking to the FBI) to write off the whole science. Folks, you can have it both ways. You can enjoy the game in a loving, quasi-religious sort of way while learning to understand the game and make predictions based on statistical analysis. Can’t we all just get along?

3) I hope that my tongue will mostly be planted in my cheek. I hope to be irreverent and amusing, but there’s nothing worse than someone saying “Hey, I’m irreverent and amusing!” when the truth is that one is anything but irreverent and amusing. Let’s see where it goes.

4) I am a Red Sox fan. Now please come back to the computer. My father took me to my first game in September 1982, an otherwise meaningless Red Sox-Yankees game (during the dark 80’s, when Dave Stapleton and Jerry Mumphrey played prominent roles for their respective teams). We had great seats, Rudy May threw my uncle a ball, and a youngster named Boggs was just breaking in for the Sox (before Margo-gate and the hair treatment, you know, when we thought he was just a quirky dude who liked chicken). I was hooked from the start. So, if you detect some pro-ed Sox bias and anti-Yankee bias in my writings, feel free to respond in kind. However, I can cut up the Sox too when it’s appropriate (which is fairly often). However, I may return to a few themes in the coming months when writer’s block overcomes me, such as (1) A-Rod is an android not equipped to handle failure, (2) Johnny Damon is a great player but an even bigger phony, and (3) under any standard, Randy Johnson looks like a very tall and grumpy troll (I realize that he’s now back in Arizona, but hey, facts are facts). Also, this shot will be my computer wallpaper until the end of time:



















5) This site is named in honor of former scrappy Red Sox infielder Lou Merloni, a.k.a. “Framingham Lou.” Lou (who is now in Oakland) is my ultimate type of player – a scrappy overachiever (who appeals to the emotional cogs in my bran) who always put up surprisingly decent statistics for a backup middle infielder (thus appealing to the rational parts of my brain, if they indeed exist). Plus, Ben Affleck once picked a fight with him, and anyone who hits back at Ben Affleck has my immediate respect.

As always, suggestions are welcome. Let’s get this started.